Insecurities

We all have them they differ from each of us but they are a very important part of how we grow in to who we are, both good and bad.

My biggest insecurity is my weight and how it makes other people see me. I’ve always been big, thick, chubby, overweight, fat, and it’s been quite a pain, since kids are quite vicious. Growing up, it plagued me, it was the one and foremost characteristics that I and my surrounding defined me by. I don’t think I’ve ever been of average weight, I’ve always been keeping to” my own curve above the curve” as my school nurse in 4th grade put it.

I firmly believe that insecurities don’t have to be all bad, something we are insecure about generally results in one of two things, either we ignore what we are insecure about as if it doesn’t exist, hide it, avoid it and so on or we explore it to find some way to change either ourselves or the situation. For me it’s been both in the case of my chunkyness, I’ve tried to dress away my weight I’ve tried to ignore that I feel uncomfortable in my skin but most importantly I’ve spent hours and hours on end staring myself in the mirror, educating myself about exercise and good eating habits, often ending up ignoring it all but the knowledge has lodged itself to my brain. The hours staring at the mirror has been painful but educational, I actually have quite a good idea of how my body looks with or without clothes and more importantly, I know how it has changed, how I have changed, over the years. I know every dimple on my thighs, I know the beauty marks of my back, the shape of my breasts and that the curve of my left collarbone differs from my right. I don’t always appreciate it, never the less I know it and therefore I’m a bit closer to really knowing me.

I would be straight out lying if I said that my weight isn’t important to me today, or that I have stopped using it as a way of defining myself. When I was at my biggest i weighed about 40 kilo more than I do now(I was probably less concerned about it then than I am now). I think I will always be a fat, kind girl at heart no matter what size I am, because that’s what I’ve always been. I would also be lying If I said that i never blamed my short comings on the size of my body. (eg. I don’t fit in because I’m too big. He/She doesn’t love me because I’m too fat. I’m a fat person therefore I can’t be beautiful[It should also be pointed out that I would never apply any of the statements to anyone else than myself because to me people are the light and bright colours they bring in to my life])

I don’t really mind being insecure about my stretch marks, I don’t really mind having body issue days (because we all have). However I would love to stop waking up some days and wishing more than anything to be slim and beautiful and I would like to change my perception of myself, because the size of my body has nothing to do with my worth as a human being. It really sounds ridiculous, but that’s how I view myself and frankly I deserve more from me.

Nobody-is-perfect-sayings-with-image

I try to focus on things that has to do with what I can do with my body, the adventures we’ve had, the scars that remind me of good times and the joy it brings me. I can never separate from my body and that’s why I’ve chosen to try to treat it right, work out, eat right and indulge from time to time. Most of the time I am in awe of the amazing thing that I can do and I would appreciate to feel like that all the time.

Recognize your insecurities, see them for what they are, find out what’s great about your imperfections (my body is amazingly cozy and strong), love, accept and live!

Lots of love
Ann

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