A list, this time for me
As you well know by now I have some serious ups and downs I try to see the bright side of everything but sometimes I just can’t manage. Some days, no matter how great and exciting my life might seem from the outside, I just keep falling apart crying my eyes out. Those days I relive each of my strongest memories growing up and the strong ones are not the happy ones. One way I try to deal with these days is to say out loud the words I wished I would have said back then.
Yesterday, being such a day I actually came up with a list of things I wish I would have said. I limited myself to one statement per year that encapsulated my life at that very moment. You might wonder how one frase could stand for a whole year or even how I could have such strong memories tied to a specific year growng up that I could frase it. Well I do and I’m sharing that very emotional list with you.
First I just want to make something clear. I don’t want your pity or even your sympathy, I’m doing it this way this time to make it stronger and more real to myself. Life goes on and all of us deals with it differently.
I’m going to start out at seven years old because before that the years sort of blend into one another.
Here we go….
Seven years old: “I’m scared of starting school because I know no one will like me there.”
Eight years old: “My so-called friends are my worst tormentors.”
Nine years old: ” No, I am not happy sitting alone during recess”
Ten years old: ” I thought you were my friend, how am I ever suppose to trust anyone again?”
Eleven years old: “No I’m not sick this often, I just don’t want to go to school.”
Twelve years old: “I think of what the world would be like without me here.”
Thirteen years old: “I tought it would be better by now.”
Fourteen years old: “I live for the hours I spend out of school.
Fifteen years old: “Thank you for saving my life.”
Sixteen years old: “I made this choice because I thought it would make you proud.”
Seventeen years old: “I love her!”
Eighteen years old: “I’m sorry that I broke up with you for all the wrong reasons.”
Nineteen years old: “I’m not sure that I know what I’m doing”
Twenty years old: ” I’m not sure I ever loved him.”
Twenty one years old: “My life is chaos and I’m not sure that I can straighten it out.”
Twenty two years old: ” I think I’m finally beating this.”
Twenty three years old: “I will never be good enough, for anyone or anything.”
Twenty four years old: “I’m taking control of this, I’m seeing a therapist.”
Twenty five years old: “It still hurts sometimes, I still cry myself to sleep sometimes, but I’m OK and everything will be all right”
I know this might not make sense to all of you reading this. Then again om not writing this for you I am actually writing this for me. Smetimes appearances and pleasing others are not important, sometimes you have to do what you feel is right for you.
Stay true to yourself and allow yourself weaknesses.
All my love Ann