Looking for glue…

They say that which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. 
I’m very much alive and right now I don’t feel strong at all. I feel empty, holow and very, very lonely.

There’s so much going on both inside of me and externally.  Both work and emotions, loving my work but feeling overwhelmed and out of control.  Ambivalent feelings both being happy and sad at the same time. On top of all that there’s a hole inside of me that I can’t seem to fill, a void I remember from my teenage years.

I’m scared, so very afraid of messing up the things that I actually got going for me because of this haunting sadness. I can feel myself tearing up and I know that I’m avoiding conversations that I need to have but I’m afraid of how I’ll be perceived by others and that I’ll lay my troubles on them. There are things that are hard for me to understand,  both rationally and emotionally.

I know where all of this leads, I’ve been there before and I have the tools to not end up there again, however now I just have to find the strength to actually use them and I doubt that I have that strength now.

I’m sorry you guys that I can’t focus on all the great things right now. It is true that the world is a magnificent place filled with wonder, but right now for me there are no colours and I can’t see the silver lining. I guess I’m just broken, some times the glue that keeps me together needs to be re – applied and at the moment I’m all out.

All this said I do have a lot of love built up and I send it out in the universe hoping you all have more blessings than troubles in your lives and the means to sort out the problems you might meet along the way. Despite all my complaining I know my life could have been a whole lot worse and that I live an amazing life, that however, does not take away from the fact that sometimes ALL I want to do is to completely fall apart. If all I was, was shards then I could rebuild myself to someone better, someone whole. But then again are we not all looking for pieces we think we are missing?

All my love / Ann

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