This one is overdue

Long time no see, I’m posting a poem in the middle of the night, that I wrote a couple of months ago. Right now I’m working on a cruise ship in the baltic sea with the circus that I’m a part of. This poem has absolutely nothing to do with that, it’s just something that’s been a draft for quite some time. Since the waves wont alow me to go back to sleep I felt like posting something that was a bit overdue (I have some of these posts laying around for this or that reason). I hope you all are well and that I’ll get back to posting regularly soon. Enjoy

For so long
So long was I afraid to stand tall and speak up. To dare to claim the space that I took up.

For so long I wouldn’t dare to tell you all that “I am still here” I can hear the words you’re whispering.

It took me years, it took decades, until I alowed myself to speak up.

Standing tall no longer whispering making you move because it was finally my turn and then

then I failed. My words falterd and fell away from me the silence speaking louder for me tham you all ever had.

It was screaming out failiure and all that I ever feard, that your words had been true all along.

I didn’t deserve where my two feet stood, I had no right making anyone hear my whispers.

So I gave up, I gave up so completely that even my few comforts fell away.

I could no longer pick up a pencil and I convinced my self that my voilce would falter and not hold true.

There was nothing to me, I had no right, I was nothing.

All that I ever asked for, in my silence, was to be aloud to exist mabye even to get to experience what you call love.

As nights do if you hold on throughout, it breaks into day and the sun will rise.

If you endure and keep trying to find your voice again, it will come back

At first it will be rusty and hoars, but if you hold on, if you dare to believe, if you keep fighting the demons, the voices, all those words

day break will come

It did and I questioned it

I believed every single color was false and would vanish if I looked away, that every sun ray would burn my oh so fair skin.

I no longer believed that there was anything else than darkness so I got scared and hid, not knowing how to be happy.

Not knowing how to be without the hurt and the sadness. My own mind kept telling me your words, so that I would never forget.
2014-10-10

Take care of yourselves
All my love / Ann

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