Jelousy and insecurity

If you would have asked me three years ago I would not have considered myself of a jelous nature howerver today I feel rather insedure about how I wauld have answered that question. A little more than four years ago I came out of a relationship which were really based on trust, it ended since we wanted different things, sure no breakups are easy but at least it ended for all the right reasons. My ex-partner might just have been the most flirtatious person I’ve ever known but it never bothered me because I knew that at the end of the day I was the one closest to this persons heart, I was loved, desired and needed. We were open about our feelings and shared if and when our desires strayed to others outside our partnership. I was never insecure about my place, I was never jealous and I never felt guilt.

Today the situation is quite different, I’ve felt the burning sensation of jealousy and the shattering insecurity of not knowing my place. During the past four and a half years I’ve come to realize things about myself, I’ve tried the one night stand thing and it’s not for me. I’ve fallen in love a couple of times never with a proper romantic happy ending however great friendships have come out of it. I love mabye a bit to strong, it scares me so it’s not strange if others might be put aback by it. I am a home maker, I am at my best in close relationships will it be friendships or partnership, I am at my best when I am sure of that I wont be exchanged for someone “better” which has happened to many times.

It is unfourtunate that my past taints my present as much as it does I have huge trust issues and if there is any doubts in me that you actually mean the words you say I will not belive you because to me actions really speaks louder than words, so much louder. I have been in situations were one second I’ve been somones best friend and the other there is a huge knife shoved deep into my back. Since I have trust issues many of my dearest friends, I’m sad to say, have had to prove they are worth my trust, they pass with flying colours.

About jealousy then, I guess that as a person I’m not really jealous but when I doubt your words or intentions when your actions doesn’t really convey into what you say, when I feel insecure, then I’m jealous and what’s worse is that it turns into anger towards myself.

Take care of your loved ones and stay true. All my love / Ann

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