The messy reflections at the end of summer

The time has come to part with what’s been my home this summer and no matter how much I long for my apartment, my heart is breaking to leave all this behind. This summer has been hard work and good fun, just as my summers usually are. I’ve had the privilege to work closely with some of my very best friends, the people that I otherwise spend the summer longing for, it’s been amazing. Going back home to an empty apartment where I have to travel for quite some time to see the people I’ve been able to see just by opening my door the whole summer will be hard, I think I’ll even miss the site. It’s one thing that I’ll miss my friends and colleagues, I will keep seeing them almost every day, it’s worse that I know that I’ll miss the friends here that I’m leaving behind. I know for a fact that my heart will break come Monday when we leave and I pity the one who will have me as travel company. I know my reaction, since I’ve gone through this before. This time it’s slightly different though, this time I can come and visit, it’s possible and believe you me wild horses couldn’t keep me away. This is one of the reasons I love my job, I get to work close with my friends, I get to meet new people, I get to learn new things, I get to perform, I get to see new things, I get to fall in love with the world over and over again. The backside is that I also have to leave things and people behind.

I’ve learned alot about myself this summer and I couldn’t have without the wonderful people I’ve gotten close to this summer. As always it scare the living hell out of me to leave friends, I’m always afraid that things will change before we meet again, I know they will and that it doesn’t have to be a bad thing, but still. I’ve had my heart touched this summer and as always that scares me, I don’t like it when I get jittery and blush, I don’t like that my belly freezes to ice at the thought of leaving that behind. No matter how much I know that I will get my ass back down here just to let the butterflies spread their wings in my belly again. I really don’t like the feeling of loss of control, it frightens me and I feel it so strongly. I want to keep it and I want to flee from it. It’s hard since I really want to get back home and still I don’t really want to leave. I’m split I half, I’m leaving a part of me here and that’s fine by me.

Just as much as leaving scares me so does going back. Getting back means alot of change, nothing will be the same, I’m not saying whether it’ll be for better or worse, just different. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m not so good with different, that I’m extremely uncomfortable with change. There is just so much change going on at once and I’ll probably break down for a bit when it all hits me. I’ve spent the last couple of days trying to prepare myself to go hone. It’s the first time all summer that I’ve been alone, I was thinking that if I can manage being alone on site then maybe the transition to being alone in my apartment won’t be so hard.

This post is quite a mess and I apologize, it’s just that I’m sort of a mess at this point in time.

Conclusion: The summer has been amazing, I love my job and my friends, I miss my apartment but I don’t want to leave, there is alot of change at the horizon and it makes me uncomfortable, I know everything will be fine in the end, it always is.

All my love/ Ann

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